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I Don't Need to Know

06.09.18 | Video | by DCC Story Team

One thing that was amazing about Rich is he loved to be outdoors doing things and building. He loved that. He did a lot of that with Michael. Even though we were divorced, he was still so protective of us, would do anything for us. He still was a part of our family.

October 2015, they were on their way to the hardware store that day, and Rich had looked at Michael and said, “I am feeling very dizzy,” and passed out. Rich had had a massive heart attack. We just spent that day just crying and hugging and it wasn’t until after the funeral, him and I were alone in the house. Seeing my child in so much pain, you go into this mode of being a mother and I can’t help my son. I feel helpless. That is where it just would take me to my knees.

And so all I could do, was I got up and I pulled my computer out and I just started writing everything and anything. During that time and during those dark moments at night where God will speak to me and give me a verse to carry me through, and so I was able to write all those verses that were helping me.

There was this peace that I had that God understands. God understands. His son wept. His son said, “Why have you forsaken me?” During those moments, there was just -- like God was just grabbing me, you know, I understand, just cry.

I didn’t have a grief group to be a part of so I felt so alone. So I googled GriefShare to see which churches in the Madison area - Door Creek Church had a GriefShare. I can’t tell you how from week one to week 14, even in that short amount of time what it seems, how much healing started to take place. Maybe for the first time in my Christian walk I understood grace, just the grace of God.

I’m just struggling with, you know, why? My son’s asking why and I just don’t get it, God. We think as being a Christian, oh, those aren’t the questions you ask. My leader gave me just some simple words. He said, “If you knew why, would that change the situation? If you knew why, would that bring Rich back?” And that to me was just like, “You’re right. Why? I don’t need to know.”

There's a verse that’s in the book of Isaiah that says, “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up like wings on eagles, they will run and not grow weary and walk and not faint.” (Isaiah 40:31)

When I think back to two years ago where I was to where I am today, and that’s not a long time, two years, when I say that, and I still am healing, there is still grief and it ebbs and flows and you’re doing good and then one day you’re not. But it’s, God will not leave me, He will not forsake me, He will hold me tight and He will carry me through. And that is what gets me through.


This story, and all of our stories, are from people who call Door Creek Church their home. As you contemplate this story, may your faith be encouraged and your hope renewed. If you’d like to learn more about sharing your story, start here.